Update ltr on at noon... Just as I was going to drown, a calling, a hand reach out for me. It was H! Told u she is a life-saver. Now I'm back on the boat.
Have U ever felt like you completely don't know what you're feeling?
U laughing but u feel like u're crying, a sudden quietness yet so complicated, head spinning or aching? Oh I can't tell. Felt like u're falling but no u're just standing still. All things ard seems meaningless but wait I have so much thing yet to complete. A sudden weight on the shoulder then "since when I bother" shook it all off. The huge sense of anger then ouch my head hurts n anger's gone. Tired but can't sleep. Restless but still on going with daily chores. Waited but it never comes. Felt like u lost something but what was it? Ur mind just revolve ard the same things n it goes ard in circles, n so these mixed feelings repeats n repeats n repeats.
Stupid entry. Best FRIEND for nowNME. If there is one thing that I've learn from so many other things and got it right so damn right, is to not have reliability on any human beings. At least my love for polly pocket will have it's return, spending time with her is my pleasure and when I have a change of heart, it's change for the better and there's nth wrong with it.
& so images from my recent wash was still alright. The entire film on the last was however entirely ruin. But it's okay. The next one will be better.
I know no one like to read abt personally dis-orders on oneself, but I just don't know anyone in my contacts that could be able to bear with the same talk every night, with all of these n for years drafting had been the best solution to get it all out. N so sometime ago I made the switch from penning into a personal diary to what's on this page as technology advances, at the same time it's allowing readers to access my thoughts. At times it could just be vending of an anger and others lonely times that we could simply put into offensive words such as desperate for attention. Point is, 95% of the time I already know what I should do and 90% of the time is to plainly get over it. But putting them into words is "the therapy". Get it? In such events, no comments or solutions neither should there be form of guidance is required. I don't need it & I don't want it. Or we could just rephrase it into 10 words: I don't need anyone to tell me what to do!"
The only reason to being able to rant freely at my very own space is to believe that no one on this planet would ever be interested with this stupid page. Hence, zero readers. It's honesty a titanic contradiction. U want ppl to read? No, I don't want anyone to read. Actually, I just want to keep it to myself but hey I think if there's 1 or maybe 2 readers I'd be happy. No wait! I don't need readers.
Same goes tonight. N here it goes...
I'm self centered, born to be selfish, never wants to share anything, wants all the fame, attention & attraction and even worst never wanting to grow up forever stuck to the effing past. Hating the past for the wrong and blame everyone else but myself. Oh! N how could I have forgotten the two key fact factors: I'm DUMB n UGLY in NATURE. So I started off bad. But over the years, I've tried so hard to be someone that I'm not. (So if I ever try to share any thing with u, for eg. Food or tried to care for you. I'm either pretending or forcing myself to do it) The me now was zero from what I'd imagine myself to be since young, and I am upset. Really upset, that I could never meet my own expectations and I don't know where the problem is. I never did anything I like or wanted to because I do what all the others were doing, did all the others wants me to do, did what others might felt that it's the right choice, choose paths that was planned, so on and so forth. I don't like the fact that I never know what's that ace in the hole, what is a good/bad joke wrong/right time to say or do something, what is an A1 topic to impress ppl, my mind turns slow, I'm bad at words, I don't know how to express myself, I speak crap most of the time although I talk alot which make things worst, I'm self-centred which makes me talks abt me me me n no u, stop being clumsy & lazy, stop repeating the same mistake, no courage to be rebellious. Each and everyone of those are marked with a huge cross with a remark: "never do it again" but it never "never do it again", instead it always happened and it seems like there is absolutly no way, no possible way that I could get rid of them. I never though I was such a person when I was younger, I remembered I was always amazed with the things I could do, how better that I understand that maths chapter in which my own group didn't, how fast I learn things and how good I was at things that I liked. But as I grow, I seem to only living in a world of my own, everything else out there had changed except for me. Everyone moved on but I didn't. Although these could seem not a problem to some out there but when problem occurs that's where u get hit the hardest. I always have high expectations of myself and now I'm way below average. This is depressing. So the word dumb & ugly may seem like a joke to anyone out there but to me it weight a thousand tonne n it's not funny.
Ce soir, il y avait un argument non stupide, mais sûr qu'il y avait problème de tension. Devrais-je expliquer? Non, attendez, si je expliquer cela devient une excuse, so what's the point. Je vais juste lui faire son chemin? Mais je ne peux pas toujours être le faire, comme dans ce cas il vraiment aucun sens. M'excuse aussi ne signifiait rien. Que dois-je faire? Vraiment! Pour appeler et qu'est-ce que je dis. Pour appeler pas et ce que penserait-il. Pour expliquer = ordures. Pour être rebelle = déraisonnable. Seriously. I'm trying. Mais il ne fonctionne pas. Que puis-je faire que de le laisser mourir. Ceci est mon point de congélation. N si j'ai craqué, faire une pause pendant un certain temps, restent blanches sur la nuit solitaire tel. Non, attendez. Ce n'est pas votre problème. It's mine. C'est moi. Je voudrais juste mourir.
I'm running low on clothes that could fit n sick of getting clothes that can't fit 75% of the time when i shop online. So all the time I must try them and make sure they fit 100%. This makes shopping terribly troublesome. N in such weather, when I wear more, I sweat n it's annoying. Can't really flashes on funky leather black jacket anyway, it'd feel like living in a oven. It's october, FALL! All the fashion sources would feature pieces tat's so unfriendly to 4 in 1 season Singapore. So helpful. I like things a little more airy in which is edgy & could end up being trashy, mind me I'm terrible at keeping postures. Y can't human just go naked on the streets, like animals? Sicko. I'm annoyed with practically everything now n i think it's because that it's Mooncake fest today but we can't see the moon.
I need to re-work my closet desperately, I don't want to be a fashion trash no more.
This is called the dashboard, and these are widgets.
OIC! Amazing!
And so the whole night was contributed to exploring & downloading widgets.
Updates: Gossip Girl ep 3 is out for the week. Happy Birthday Olivia. Chocolate Chip Cookie night. Zoo Day. Mooncake Festival. (I want a musical lantern)
Ok I touch it the moment I got home. I hug it to bed. I bring it to Sugar's place and it's practically with me every second other then work time. Oh how I love my new polly pocket n believe it or not I bring it to the toilet with me while shitting. omg. I'm obsess! Ur so smooth, so touchable, so slim. My oh my polly pocket!
Side news, I'm crazy over stupid MIRROR EFFECT on the screen protector for the itunes/phones. It's MIRROR EFFECT! MIRROR! i have no idea of where n what's the catch but it's MIRROR! What again? MIRROR. yes. MIRROR.
I think I'm starting to like H, more then ever. At first it was me n him only at the roof, gossip girl party. And we made friend with V, cause I intro her to H. But I think they didn't blend in well. Even though, it's friday night. Loosen up mates. It's the weekend!
I got cut off the team, off the hook, off with all strings attached. Depressed as I was, I reunite with my old best friend this week & everytime when I need her, she's always there for me. I know I can trust her, so much more then anyone.
Anyhow, I think I wasn't sober this morning. What was I thinking? For the past years, it wasn't so hard working with educated people, but now i find it so very hard to work with the non-educated. I tot letting emotions take over while working was what the young and stupid would do. I've under estimated human's intelligence. Such humiliation to myself, after what I did today. That un-educated was not the only one making a fool of herself, but i join in the party as well. What was I thinking? No! whatever blow i get wasn't the reason for being foolish. We should be smarter then this!
Awake! Stop live like the living dead & The Rapture does it best!
Admit it, that blow was pretty big. I'm surprise tat even my eyes could function. I'm sticking back to blogging cause the dummie computer is most suitable to be my best friend/lover.
I drafted the first entry and deleted it cause it's 99% clone of all the previous entries. When is this going to end? Am I pushing myself too hard? No! I still need to buck up! I am stronger, smarter then I expected! I am not lazy! My brain is not working too hard! My chance is here! Isn't this what you want? A chance!?! Grab it! Learn! Excel! Stop Stupidly! I can do it! I believe I can fly!
Oh Rubbish!
Picture by Basic
Prison Break Offical Website
you know you love me, 
